last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
