And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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