Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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