I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
