I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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