I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
