i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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