apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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