It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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