I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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