you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
