I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
