why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
