So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
