Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
