Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
