It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
