the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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