she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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