How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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