If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
