The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
