he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
