at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
