I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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