I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
