Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
