This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
