we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize