Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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