Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
