Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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