You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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