Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
