Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
