Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
this just has baby written all over it
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
