I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
