chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
