Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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