i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
