I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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