My liver just broke up with me...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
