Define "chronic" masturbator.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
