I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
