He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize