i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
