i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
