hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
