You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
