Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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