He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
wow bdsm is so cute
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