Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
