"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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