a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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