You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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