I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
