she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
