then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
