I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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