My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
