Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
