i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
