God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
