im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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