He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
